“True story.”

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world… well, something close to it. To spare you the clichéd, Nine Days reference, a more pressing matter occurred to me recently, more like a whole months worth, and I’ve noticed a few things. There is a specimen who I don’t objectify in anyway and do everything to the best of my ability to remain gallant towards, but for the life of me, I can’t understand the Female. Her language broadcasts mixed messages, her subtle drops of hints in the form of alluring head tilts and eye movements leave me transfixed, and to sum it all up, everything auditory that expels from her pillow-textured lips, whether sensible or esoteric, everyone finds either enlightening or enchanting, or in worse case scenarios, both.

Now being the someone here that isn’t female or hasn’t any fortune interacting with them beyond the realm of the quote unquote “friend zone,” I’m starting to understand why these things are for men, the ones with good, thoughtful intentions mind you, and for the blindsided, less mindful men as well. Please listen to this if you will:

Material Girls Are Only Fabric Deep

“The one but not the only.”

It’s a given girls like fashion on some level and put effort into the clothes they want to wear. When it becomes the only thing worth living by and talking about 70% of the time upon opening a mouth however, that’s when I start loosing my mind. These girls find satisfaction in the things they own, a false sense of pride, and feel overtly important because of it. That’s not to say you can’t have confidence with the outfits you don, but don’t oversell it with compliments you boast for yourself that others could have given to you without asking. Make it a preference ladies to feel good and know that you do without having to tell everyone that looks your way you already know. It’s an extreme extroversion (at least for the guys who see past the glamour).

Glasses Are For Looks Not Smarts

“Check out the brains on her.”

I can’t tell you how many times people in the past have looked to me for all things unknown to them. Of course, over time I’ve gained more, if not enough, knowledge for others to understand that I know that I know nothing (a Socratic musing for you all). It’s no guarantee that glasses make you smarter, if anything, they’re a sign of ignorance, in my case anyway (I would read under my covers in the dark as a kid, sometimes even without a flashlight. A part of me wanted to be a nocturnal Batman at the time and I found out that Batman couldn’t see in the dark and only bats could, therefore I went visually impaired at the age of 12. That is not smart!) For the girls who wear them, but find it as a welcoming nod to the guys who expect a smart and saucy lady, will be half disappointed. Be smart, don’t look smart.

Laughter is the Best Medicine Only When You’re Sick

“I know just the type of girl.”

Do girls do this on purpose? They’ll hear others speaking, take their innocent words and make euphemisms out of them. Sometimes it could be words that have no significant humor behind them, words like “little people,” which I understand can be taken out of context, but it doesn’t make it funny or right. When girls force a laugh or make a fake laugh to sound cute and clever, it comes off as annoying and unattractive (again, for the men who look for a functioning, aware human being without a drowning personality). The girls who laugh at everything or make jokes out of nothing might gain attention, but never any positive attention, especially when it’s all to amuse yourself, even if no one joining in knows it (the clueless, hapless victims of her supposed charm).

Stupid Isn’t Saucy

“No one wants to be the ditz with just the you-know-what.”

A quick story about a girl, her name shall remain confidential, but let’s call her Ms. Potato. Ms. Potato would exclaim herself to be “not smart enough” and act as such whenever presented with, in her words, “too hard” a task. The guy next to me, we’ll call him Dispenser, would agree in the hopes of finding common ground with Ms. Potato. I’m never one to judge but, if you play off the fact that you’re dumb, us guys who do this ridiculous thing called thinking, will start to believe you. Ms. Potato, as far as her definition of herself goes, leads me to believe an actual potato has more brain cells than her; I mean come on, her namesake should say otherwise! As for Dispenser, he’s relinquishing those IQ points just to match her own. Don’t act stupid to be saucy, after all, an act’s an act, and whether you meant it or not, it’s deceptive. If you’re not confident in your intelligence, don’t complain about it or use it as a factor in getting boys to date you either. Use your options and resources to become more knowledgeable, more worldly.

Liking Things For the Wrong Reasons

“Looking in the wrong places means less time for you and more time wasted.”

If you’re a girl who likes things to be accepted as normal, I love to break it to you, but no buts; it’s not normal. If someone is asking you for your opinion, it’s your opinion, don’t be obligated to appease others because they weren’t expecting you to disagree. It’s not your fault if they aren’t understanding of your reasoning. Girls who latch on like leeches to acquire a wholeness with another, won’t. They’ll suck out all the blood before it happens. The ones that like certain things that aren’t necessarily good, but others find okay with, leads to peer pressure and decisions that are made hesitantly, or worse, without hesitation. It puts people in this “anything goes” mindset about you, which couldn’t be farther from true; people have their limits and, I hope, stick by them cautiously. Stay your own person, avoid the manipulation everyone else sees fit, and never change for another’s acceptance or because someone tells you to unless you or others start to notice a negative state (they only want the best for you; they’re there to help you cope, not manipulate you).

So ladies, I’ve got nothing against you. I think you’re smarter than the average man and for many good reasons. It also goes hand in hand with guys who see nothing wrong with this behavior as well. Though there still are women out there that aren’t aware or who are of their doings that lack such propriety. If you know any lady friends who need the advice to become a better, more down-to-earth girl, share this with them. Let me know if you noticed anything girls do I missed or didn’t touch on too. Grrrl Power! Sorry, I’ve got Riot grrrl on the mind.